KINIMAMA has been struggling.
I have this deep internal belief that I must be on top of every little detail in my life: every bill mailed in a timely manner (adorned with our sassy address stamp bought off etsy), home as tidy as my mother in laws, #foodporn quality dinner every night… Some days I obsess about what my garbage disposal looks like down there… If anyone has suggestions on how to clean that shit up, holla-atcha-girl. And ofcourse, I shoot for tear-jerking, awe-inspiring yet humorous blog posts every week.
And I’m okay with admitting that I am far from perfect. My husband is satisfied that I am not perfect. My mom has a few qualms about how I turned out, but you can’t win ’em all? But my greatest vulnerability is my children. I am always questioning how am I doing as a mother? Are they healthy enough, smart enough, disciplined enough, active enough? Happy?
My relationship with my children is a constant ebb and flow. An eight year old who is figuring out the big scary world and a two year old who is figuring out his place in the world. Two little humans evolving in two entirely different way. Their needs are simultaneous yet contrasting. And I swear they tag team on this whole rebellion thing. And yet they are the two objects in this world I love the most, can’t live without, can’t breathe without.
As with all things in life there has to be a balance… between love, discipline, self-learning and fun. Lately I’ve been feeling out of balance. A lot of focus on discipline. Too much discipline is upstaging all of the loving and KiniMama’s heart is hurting and confused.
I once went to a flea market psychic, who told me when the mind feels fuddled, to seek tall heights for a clearer mind. So this was my source of inspiration as I recently set out for an adventure with the kiddos. Just me and my boys. The car ride started with hints from the eldest, asking (multiple times) if we were going to Target (to buy toys).
“No, son, we are seeking to restore some sanity through nature. You can’t buy that shit at Target.”
Just kidding. I didn’t say shit. I am perfect, remember?
So we drove and drove Mauka. I wanted to get up as high as possible, escape the heat and spend some time with my head in the clouds. Once we got up there, the kids were quite impressed with the fog. What is it about fog? There is something so calming and wonderful about moist air shifting through the trees. You can’t see very far, and it forces you to be present in your surroundings. Thats the basis for all meditative practices, you know. At least I think so.
Once the clouds cleared, we spent a good amount of time observing the view, the people walking their dogs, pointing out different parts of the island, and much to my son’s liking was a group of remote control airplanes buzzing about. #freeshow Ofcourse, we had to check for remote control airplanes on Amazon fast kine.
I love this picture of my boys. Big brother is showing the little guy all the cool things to look at. Right below this spot was the Ali’i Kula Lavendar Farm. Boys are funny. Fields of flowers and they find that one patch of dirt to insoect, am I right? But the best part for them was the sense of adventure leading mama down all the various paths. Good stuff.
Ofcourse, this little trip was not drama free. While relaxing and sipping Lavendar tea in the little lanai cafe, I learned that my two year old knows how to scream “My Juice!” 15 times in 10 seconds. So talented. I split the little bottle into 2 cups and suddenly they both belonged to him. #cantwinemall
Despite the juice debacle, I very much felt rejuvenated. Perhaps it was the Lavendar tea. Maybe the psychic was right. But whatever. I’ll take what I can get. It was a mommy-win.
At the end of our adventure, we returned home, exhausted and watched “Home” about 3 times in a row, but whose counting? I felt an amazing sense of satisfaction; my children saw things they don’t normally see, ran around more than they normally would and we reconnected with nature and with each other. The last two are so key. I did that for them. It was just what I needed. It was just what they needed. And, even if for the day, I could say I was a good mom.
“Sometimes it is the smallest thing that saves us: the weather growing cold, a child’s smile, a cup of excellent coffee.”