I’m going through something
This may be hard to put into words, but I’ll do my best. This is a different tone than I normally write about, and it will not be relevant to everyone, or anyone for that matter. But I know that the first thing I did was lookup relevant hashtags and personal testimony to similar experiences. Dr. Google can be scary so one day someone will do the same search and hopefully my words will be here.
As I’ve often discussed I struggled with pregnancy loss and subsequent infertility issues a few years ago. It’s been an emotional and physical trauma that I feel I continue to be affected by. I believe my failure to address the emotional aspect has exacerbated my physical health issues, because psychologically neglecting yourself is easier than dealing with emotional trauma directly, am I right? So, hence, they have manifested themselves into sigraines, anxiety, shingles, and lots of TMI period issues.
To sum up the TMI: My periods became out of control, heavy, painful, unmanageable. I would spot and cramp a week before my period, and a week after. I would also cramp and spot when ovulating. I live with a heating pad on my back or strapped to my abdomen. Women with painful, heavy periods know nothing else, so we believe its just normal to suffer that much. And because no one really talks about their periods, its hard to gauge where your period stands. But one day it dawned on me that I was the only person I know with the constant need for a heating pad, that when I had to cancel social outing because it was that time of the month, everyone thought I was being flaky, because they can go out and about and not worry about hemoraging in public. Suddenly it dawned on me that this shit wasn’t normal.
Shall we fast forward now?
My doctor, wonderful doctor, gave me several options. Motrin, birth control, uterine ablation.
I tried motrin first, which was fruitless. I can’t do birth control as I can’t handle the long term side effects. And in discussing with my family, I’ve chosen to have a uterine ablation.
For those who don’t know what a Uterine Ablation is, it is when they fill your uterus with water and then heat the water to near boiling. Errrrr. I know, I know. Just the thought of it is cringe worthy. But apparently many women have had swift recoveries and very good results, which is aimed to be no more period. Bu-bye… I will still ovulate and experience period symptoms such as bloating, emotions, sore breasts, and possibly a little cramping, however without a functioning uterine lining, you can’t have a full period. Thats the idea, anyways.
At the same time, they will be doing a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis.
So I will have a couple new scars on my belly. That makes me a badass, right?
In the meantime, however, to prepare and thin the uterine lining lining, my doctor recommended Lupron injections. Sounds harmless, right? Lupron. 2 syllables. 2 shots, 1 month a part. Thats all I really knew. I was told it would generate a temporary menopause.
About 3 hours after my first injection, the hot flashes began and 7 weeks later they haven’t stopped. Hot flashes every hour or so, and when I say hot flashes I mean the heat of hell rising from within my skin, sweat dripping down my forehead, a severe panic and discomfort. Hot flashes don’t take a lunch break, they don’t go to sleep at night, they come and come and come and come.
So when I went in for my second injection, I explained to the nurse that I was concerned about the side effects I was experiencing and what would happen if I had an additional injection. Instead of conferring with the doctor, she took out the instruction booklet that came with the fancy shot case and started reading side effects outloud to me. And in the midst of my fear of needles I just wanted it over with, so I did it.
And things got way worse.
I’m just not myself anymore.
I struggle with my temper like I never have before, I become unreasonably angry, I yell. I ugly cry. There are days my cognitive function isn’t there. I read sentences and while the words individually make sense, I can’t understand them together. There are blanks in my mind where thoughts were just a second ago. Something my husband said last night, I thought he said last week. This must be how it feels to have dementia. Its very sad and scary. I think what have I done?? Have I ruined my life just to not have a period? Am I being punished for going against nature?
If you google Lupron, it will scare the fuck out of you. People have suggested it caused many permanent conditions, ruined their life. I just can’t. I just can’t sit around and wait of my teeth to fall out, I have to stay positive and pure in mind. Thats the only I’ll make it out alive.
And on top of the physical aspect, there is the emotional part. My tubes have been tied for 3 years now. I haven’t looked back. With a tubal ligation you can still do in-vitro fertilization or be a surrogate, which I can’t say I haven’t considered. This procedure will guarantee that I will never ever ever ever ever ever bear children again. That chapter is closed. I think the element of my struggles to conceive in the first place are at play. Like am I really moving on here? This is where I need to heal my emotional trauma I believe. Which is probably another blog post entirely.
I will say though that my family loves me so very much to stick around when I’m at my worst. But that is the epitome of in sickness and in health isn’t it?
But the good news is these side effects are supposedly temporary. medically speaking, these are the result of a drop in estrogen caused by the injection. My doctor offered me supplemented estrogen to offset the side effects but I decided against it as it may affect the lupins effectiveness in thinning my uterine lining and I am committed to doing this right the first time. Because if Im going to do it, Im going to do it.
I’m currently 2 weeks out from the second shot, about 1 week until surgery. The rage and crying spells have more or less subsided, as well as the cognitive issue. I’m still sweating every hour on the hour, but I tell myself its burning calories and have learned to breath through it, just like we all do with most things in life.
Part 2 should be post-surgery, probably with some very good drugs going on.