I just can’t fucking believe it.
You know, when I envisioned my healing process, I imagined quiet days of solitude, long naps, perhaps some meditation and journaling, (& lots of real housewives marathons) to address the emotional component of what I am experiencing. It somewhat resembled a retreat in my own bedroom all within a decent sized time frame to fully recover.
But here I am Day Five and whether or not I am healed the universe gives no fucks. I am swollen, I move slowly, I have stinging, itchy wounds. I am in pain, but alas, I am a mother in pain and my family needs me more than ever.
As I mentioned, significant other has a broken leg and is now scheduled to go into surgery tomorrow, just six days after my own procedure. We have been doing a delicate dance of allowing the other rest while the other watches Zootopia for the the millionth time. But add to that two children with the flu and its just WOW. I’m not even sure how tomorrow will work, but somehow it will come and it will go.
I’m not complaining. I refuse to complain. My children’s comfort trumps mine always. Always. And I believe that as long as we play the victim we will continue to be a victim. I’m just marking my place on the map. Right here, next to frustrated, worried, over-tired and sore. Mommy-Town.
I wanted to get a Mala as part of my healing–Ok ok a psychic told me it would be a key aspect of my recovery–you know, during my long vacation of healing (ha!). A Mala is a string of beads used as a tangible item for spiritual work; affirmations, mantras, counting breaths etc. Its similar to how a Rosary is used in Catholicism.
So I consulted a friend of mine at Ella May Maui, who helped me design a beautiful piece consisting of 108 sandlewood beads, a tahitian pearl for the yogi bead with baby blue string and a deep purple tassle. She made it in East Maui, a special place that is rich with magnificent beauty and an indescribable energy. Im so happy to know someone who is able to make this special piece for me.
So in between the madness, the doses of children’s tylenol, the wet bedsheets, the self-care, the picking up shit so my husband doesn’t trip on his crutches, the dishes, the Forensic Files marathon, I have started using the Mala to put into practice positive affirmations: “I am grateful for my strong, healthy, capable body.” “I am a beautiful, resilient mother.” “Everything I need is within me.” As I repeat these 108 times, I can feel a mental, emotional and physical shift. Its a marked transformation. And I don’t become a new person at 108, I just feel a little step in the right direction, which is the opposite of my usual spiral of obssessed thoughts. Its been quite helpful.
And so I will say that Emotional Healing is possible amongst chaos. Transforming my thoughts from pain into that of positivity will hopefully push me (slowly) down the road of full recovery, and all while in the company of my loud, crazy, needy, beautiful family.