Without a Doubt

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month

“The broken will always be able to love harder than most.

Once you have been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines.”

-Zachary K Douglas

It’s no doubt our family would look very different if we hadn’t gone through the tossing, tumbling torture of pregnancy loss.  We would obviously have a different child here with us, that’s a given.  But I would likely not resemble the mother I am today.  As I wrap my life around my family, I know they are changed by my own grief, as it has continued to spur growth, even years after a satisfying conclusion.

What was simply an attempt to see what the universe would bring us, turned into a desperate longing that went unsatisfied for months.  We started out with “trying for a few months.  And at the end of the few months I became pregnant, only to experience loss after loss after loss.  The universes answer was an awakening of my maternal awareness, was an understanding that our family was incomplete.

I knew there was someone who should be here.  Pregnancy loss catapulted me into that determination, that battle against my own body to bring that soul earthside.  My body, the enemy, was also the only thing in this world that would save me from the emptiness.  And in the meantime I learned to appreciate Life, I learned to accept nature’s timing, I learned to lean on my husband, I sought maternal wisdom and found strength in the grief of others.  I stared at rainbows and prayed relentlessly.

My family watched me toil.  They wanted to push me through it, to move on, to accept that one child was a blessing and enough. And it was.  But I was unmoved.  A mother is one who loves her children before they are even created, and nothing, no one can change that.  I had to grieve.

And in the end.  There was Mathis.  My fierce, amazing boy.  He was not a loss, but he sprouted from the pit that was left by loss and from there grew his magnificence.  My family was complete.  Is complete.  Angels and all.  Without the loss of other pregnancies, there would be no Mathis. And there would frankly be no me, as I am today.  And for that, I am grateful, and will always always honor my losses.

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