Self-Talk is a crazy powerful thing.
I feel discouraged about my parenting. I find myself lost in negative thoughts about myself in my career, in my marriage and about my health. Bad habits resurface, as they always do. I feel myself in darkness a lot. So very pessimistic. Which isn’t like me at all.
“I hate myself.” I say. Many times a day. When I feel so wrong about things. It’s the saddest thing to even write, but it’s true. Me, the woman most motivated to spread self-love & positivity, fucking hates herself at the moment. Negativity festers in self-hate.
When I hate myself I find myself annoyed everything around me. My home, my desk, my bed. I push those I love away. It’s the saddest thing.
Self-hate is like a girdle, it keeps you in your place, but it hurts and it doesn’t foster any useful change. It takes on the presentation of change, but it’s false. We think that by punishing ourselves we will discourage further mistakes, that we will squish ourselves until we are again perfect and deserving of love.
That’s just not how it works.
Self-Love is a practice. First you decide you are worthy, and then you must consciously maintain those thoughts and positive actions on a daily basis. You have to watch your words and your actions against yourself. And you certainly can’t insult yourself into a corner where you deserve love again. You deserve love, now.
But despite this knowledge, I’m in this slump. So what do I do in a slump? After I’m done informing myself that “I hate myself,”I pull a tarot card.
So I pull a card. I was expecting some dark, depressing card. Something talking about my misery and self-pity, my mistakes and unoworthiness. Instead I pull XXIV: The World. Which is probably the most brightest, amazing, happiest card. Could it be a mistake? But there are no mistakes.
In my shock I think about it. I read and listen to the message in my hands. The World signifies the coming together of elements, the satisfying glory of accomplishment, the completion of a journey. She dances.
Ofcourse at the end of each journey, begins another. Given perspective, I can acknowledge that perhaps a journey has ended for me. One that I’ve been very much inspired and awaken. Perhaps this journey has brought me to a new platform, and I stand in the darkness of a gap between journies.
Is this too deep for you?
Knowing that you are in a state of transition can be so refreshing. While in this gap I feel so uninspired. But I am hanging right to the things that have kept me going, but perhaps are uneccesary. Instead of considering it a desolate state, I need to move outward to find new inspirations that await me and in the mean time I have to keep it positive or I will continue to loose my grasp on that self-appreciation which I worked so hard to attain.