Why is Mom Crying (Part Two)

The funny thing about Part Ones is that you never know its Part One until Part Two happens, and by then Part One is long over. So I'm semi-titling this a Part Two, because it feels reminiscent of a Part One from a year ago, when I went on my first trip to O'ahu since becoming a mother ten years prior to that. And the awakenings and experiences I have as another certainly come in stages, or parts. 

For my little family, we always travel with a purpose. This trip’s purpose, as with most of our hours, weeks, days, month, pay checks, broken bones, etc., have centered around motocross, or in this case, Hawaiian Supercross, a race event held in Aloha Stadium, on O’ahu. This is the first time supercross has come to Hawai’i since 1986. The event coincided with Mother’s Day and our 12th Wedding Anniversary. So what would be a little island hop for some, for us, or for me, felt so much more meaningful. On a technical level, this would be our first trip without diapers, our first trip without a stroller; which any mom can tell you, is a big deal. Most importantly, it was our first trip to O’ahu, together as a family.

And I have to say. We did it right.

The hotel was amazing (deserves its own blog in fact). We ate until we couldn’t eat no more (I see you Shirokiya Japan Walk). We shopped (I see you Ala Moana) We educated ourselves (Bishop Museum, you magic thing). We Bowled (and ate more, yes, you Aiea Bowl). We sweat our ass off until we could find a working bathroom (WTF, Honolulu Zoo?). I even drove on the H1, in traffic. All of these things, after experiencing them, are on my highly recommended list.

But while I worked hard to make this trip something to write about, the bells and whistles of it, where to eat, and what to do, but instead I found myself in the heart and belly of it. The irresistible emotion and heavy reflection, sorrow in a sweet moment. The sweeping motion from Part One to Part Two.

So this is how I found myself, bikini clad, poolside, crying mommy tears into an extra fancy, floral garnished umbrella drink on Mother’s Day.

What a ridiculous space. But I’m an honest woman. And honestly, motherhood can be such a lonely place.

I’ll save you the statistics of how many weekends we get to spend with our kids and just say that I feel the pull already. As a mother I aim to enjoy the simple things, and to keep them simple, but our children are their own people and as they grow they have their own interests and their interests don’t always (hardly) involve us. And this is fine. This is normal. This is the Part Two I knew would come. But I’ve spent the last 12 years leaning incredibly hard on my kids. They are my companionship, my constant form of entertainment, they are my marriage. I don’t know how to make plans, socialize, or behave outside of my role as a mother. This is such a crutch for me. And just as the day comes they don’t need you to carry them anymore, the day will come they won’t carry me no more.

So there in my perfect mother moment, chilling poolside with my healthy, happy, fabulous family, there I was, smack dab in the middle of this Part One and Two, I felt extremely overwhelmed and realized, it’s time to work on this. I’m honestly not sure what this will look like. Another couples trip? More friend time? A hobby? I’m open to suggestions. Anything that promotes a healthy independence and self actualization is what I need to develop. You might see me trying new things. You might see me crying in my beverage. I don’t know.

In the end, no one thanked me for all the planning and purchasing, but there was no doubt that we were all thankful. We flew home, exhausted and satisfied; new joyous memories instilled deep in our minds. We are already talking about our next trip, that’s how you know you had a good one. There are still lots of memories we want to make together. Me and my husband are thinking Las Vegas (we both haven’t been) or maybe back to O’ahu, for more shopping, eating and sight seeing.

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