The following represents an insomnia inspired free-write. I pulled a card for inspiration. It be what it be.
I do this thing. Where I pull way back from people. And, I’m talking about this because i just did it for two weeks over the holidays and I’m somewhat still in it but coming out of it. And, I’ll tell you all this and you might tell me you do it to. It’s probably totally normal.
I’m astrology it’s known as the Aquarius Aloofness. Or. I just made that up. But bottom line Aquarius are super fucking detatched. And despite this I’ve formed some really special, close, sisterly, amazing friendships. People I love greatly. And I feel it’s mutual. These types of connections are essential to human happiness. Especially to women who require Emotional support and fulfillment.
So why do I pull away? Because it’s perfectly fine to have alone time. One of the most powerful self-care words you can speak are “I just want to be alone.” Recognizing your need for space and individuality is, like, a really crucial skill.
So after a period of lots and lots of socializing I felt the call for quiet. I think my closest friends might already recognizing this in me. They tease me for being unavailable and unabashedly flaky but I think deep down they know I need to regularly curl back into my shell to recharge. And when I peep my head back out, no one is there.
I mean, why would they be? If you are not around why would they stick around.
I once pulled back for a couple years. The invites ceased, i forgot what my ring tone sounded like, i heard absolutely no gossip, no good news. I achieved the total new mom depression fear shame ugliness and isolation i thought i deserved. It was lonely. I had to work very hard to re-establish my friendships and gain their trust back. I had to show up to many socially awkward events to bring myself back into the world. It was worth it, of course. And i still feel like an outsider. I still don’t belong anywhere (and I’m fine with that) but with my very few closest friends, these connections i so need are still there. But I’ll never let myself go that long again.
Our friends guide us as the map holders on the highway of life. They see who we really are. They love us as we are. They listen. They roll with it. They hold back our hair. They remind us to put lipstick on before our drivers license picture. They give opinions on living room decor. They are the vault that holds our secrets. They are the unblood that love our children and parents.
My advice to young girls and their friends is to choose wisely. Your fellow flock that leads in a stark V across the landscape of life. Fill it with likeminded, fresh, healthy, happy, amazing souls. And though you might find yourself that bird astray, always find your way back to your flock.