I’m a chronic journaler. Since I learned to write, I’ve kept journals. Most of which were probably pretty fucking whiny. But, thats what they are for right? An outlet in our most private lows. Rarely would I reach for a journal to talk about how everything was going my way and the universe was operating in my favor. Because of this, I don’t bother to read my journals. They pile up, pens still stuck in the rusted spirals after the last scratchy passage written in the dim light of the morning with a cup of coffee. A fuzzy puppy at my side.
These entries represent a time that pulled me through some patterns that had begun repeating from a previous life, one I hardly remember now. Drama with friends, challenges at work, family issues, personal struggles. These patterns were broken in March when the entire world came to a screeching and sudden halt. We saw it coming but didn’t give it a second look. What we thought might be a minor experience turned into something that has seemingly altered time and how we fill it.
This year was like no other. Unforgettable and one for the books for sure. I thought it would be neat to reach back. In tarot we would use the six of cups, the past that unlocks the future, the sentimental throw back of time and memory. And I have to say, there are some gems, things that resonated for me then and resonate for me now and maybe will resonate again in the future. Maybe they will resonate for you. So I have written them here.
January 2, 2020
At the end of 2019, I came to the realization that I was mostly living and acting out of fear. I would use fear as a barrier between myself and reality, as a means for protection. My fear, I thought, would inform me when something bad would happen, my fear, I hoped, would keep me in check.
It is undeniable that scary things: harm, betrayal, lies, mistakes, threats, bad vibes are out there, But it is also undeniable that we are fully capable beings, able to manage chaos while still enjoying life. When I was living through fear, I wan’t enjoying life. I was scared all the time, hyper-vigilant, paranoid, stressed, unkind, unhappy and unhealthy. Fear did nothing but bring imminent danger to the forefront of my mind. Fear made me a victim when I wasn’t.
So, little by little I have released fear, knowing that even when a threat is real, fear can’t help me.
February 11, 2020
When we think of commitments in relationships we think of everlasting partnership and friendships that go on and on against all odds and through the ups and downs of life. When compatibility ends, we convince ourselves that we have to give it all we got before we give it all up. But its our relationship to ourselves that we sacrifice for the sake of this fantasy. Its important to to think, what are they putting into it? Where are they meeting me? What is their contribution to my life and experience? We have to recognize that sometimes we latch onto unhealthy partnerships just for the sake of having something to have in our cup. The time comes for unbinding and liberation. Quit affirming how stuck you are. Affirm your ability and purpose to exit unhealthy situations
February 27, 2020
I suppose that there are two choices here. To live in my head, with all of my thoughts or to live in the stillness of spirit. I have long learned what my thoughts can do for me–absolutely nothing. I suppose that is an unfair assessment. Thoughts are necessary for a writer and a philosopher, thoughts help us figure shit out. The problem then is that when we think we are figuring things out, things that mean something, our thoughts can trick us into thinking that we are figuring things out when really we are spiraling out and away. When we spiral, the “easiest” way out is to numb ourselves. Both spiraling and numbing are unhealthy and disconnect me from my spirit. This pattern is no choice at all.
So my second choice is to sit with spirit, to feel and engage myself with all that comes up. To observe what comes up and how it makes me feel without having to necessarily act on it.
March 6, 2020
As we grow we find our way through. Like a vine that follows no particular direction, carving a well-suited path for ourselves. We might not recognize our progress, or the distance we have come as we are too narrowly focused on finding our way through he garbled, blinding mess at our feet.
As a mom, the way through, the angle out, is often me. I am tasked with guiding my family through some dense challenges. This can be looked at as an adventure but also an arduous journey on routes not of my choosing but the result of life choices.
How do we find our way through something that we can’t see through? Would we even want to know if we could? We find our way through with our minds eye, and also, one tiny step at time.
Not being able to see our way through to the end makes the present journey so much more meaningful.
March 7, 2020
Death owes us nothing. Not timeliness, not ease, not promise, for something new, not something to fill the voice, not closure. Death is but a mere teacher, with one distinct lesson: Endings. To call death a new beginning is to water down the painful truth, the stark contrast to each side of this gripping event.
Death promises one thing and one thing only: transformation. From here to there, with and without from light to dark to light again. it teaches us to cling to and to let go.
March 22, 2020
Its been really hard to be constantly exposing myself to corona. Not the virus itself but the persistent stream of news and numbers. Its almost like being infected with fear, inviting it into your home, carrying it around in your purse and wearing it like a protective armor. Fear is like a friend you don’t really like but keep around because you don’t think you can survive without it. This morning when I woke up I reached for my phone but stopped myself. What was I about to do? Check the news, then probably insta Facebook, Twitter. Before my feet touch the ground, before I even open my eyes. I have been thinking about this, not just receiving information but seeking it, reaching for it.
So I pulled my blanket around me and went outside to watch the sunrise and listen to the birds. I could almost feel the world open up, the horizons expanding and me but a blade of grass in the bushes. We went for a walk, followed a cardinal song and found a pepper tree. This is not a new space for me. I grew up here. I like to stay home, but I also love to go out and grab a bite to eat, buy unnecessary shit and burn gas.
I feel like I’m going to learn how very little I really need. I do not feel the pressure to leave. I eat what I have, I do what is right in front of me. I take my time. I become creative and yes I yell, I scream, I lose my mind but I’m looking forward to the mornings especially. Because that is what I always miss when I am off running around, preparing to run around around. Let’s see what inspiration and peace appear when I leave my phone in its place by my bed and enter the beautiful day just breathing.
March 28, 2020
When I do what is best for me, I allow myself to be who I truly am. / When I allow myself to be who I truly am, I can do the hard, loving work of self. / When I do the loving work of self, it benefits everyone around me. / When everyone around me is well, I can better maintain my center. / When I maintain my center, I take better care of my home. / When my home is maintained all of my needs are met.