Journal Gems Part 3

In Summer of this year, I began using my time and energy a little wiser. I tapped into the mood-booster of learning. I took zoom classes read books and decided to go through with a major surgery that had been a long time coming. Through the therapy of study and an opportunity for healing, I began to show myself empathy and understanding. These elements are reflected frequently in my writing.

June 7, 2020

Through the element of earth is found in the things we can reach out and touch. There are things of value that we can hold in our hands. These physical things can reflect the intangible, what we feel in side. I’ve always considered the element of earth to be stubborn and unmoving. But it is also constant growth, constant creation, constant expansion. Some of this occurs before our eyes but much of this occurs beneath the surface. We are shaped and reshaped by the work we do. The earth reminds me of how I can never be still. I always have to be creating. Any amount of stillness, results in a new project, a new obsession and usually an Etsy shop. Its self soothing. But it does create clutter and starts to lose its magic when I wear it out. I never master anything, instead I master everything, then I move on to the next thing.

When I think of fire I think of passion, heat, anger, Mars, War, destruction, cooking, alchemy, sugar cane, magic, candles, smoke and campfire that lingers on my clothes. Candles burn daily in my home. Wildness and destruction is contained to a single, scented flame. Me in my kitchen, moving around like a magician: butter melts with heat, couple simmer, cakes rise and once its cooled we gingerly place candles, one for each cycle around our celestial fireball and make a wish. When I think of water I think of easy going fluid, ends cycles, endless depths, finding a way, restorative, hydrating, bubble baths, floating, filling and sea sickness. Just the site of water can wet your mouth, the sound does something for your soul. You can water a plant back to life, like breath filling its branches it has the strength to rise again. Remaining hydrated is one simple way to stave off the onset of illness. I always always always have a cup of water by my side and sometimes two by my bed as I dream watery dreams.

June 10, 2020

My emotions have cycled through so much with recent exeperiences. A wanting, a balance and an exit. Where do you crumble thingsup, toss it, and start fresh? You don’t. You can only build from one day to the next. There is no fresh start. Ever. You have to complete the consequences of yesterday. You have to wrap things up, then you have to find the exit and then the opening of where you want to be.

June 15, 2020

Welcome to the workforce. The place between home and home, the time between waking and resting your head. Departure from quality time with your kids, the arms of your man, nourishing, satisfying trips to the fridge, the dog and cats at your feet and the balance of home. Here is the place in which you sit, 8 hours a day. Do not get so caught up in this space that you make it your life. It is only a space. This is only your work, but not your life’s work. All of this can dissipate and dissolve and it will not have meant a thing to your bigger story. This is the liminal space you were sent to to do something and then go home.

June 29, 2020

As a creative person, I know far too well the hoarding the occurs in the course of constantly pursuing expression. Theres the stacks of witten work, rusted spirals keep my dreams and meandering in tidy order. Then theres the unhung paintings, friendship bracelets, macrame chord, sheets of felt wool, hot glue gun sticks, a dusty, forgotten sewing machine, 60 color washable markers. It’s gotten a little ridiculous and its time to release some of these things. Today I feel the purpose of letting go, of making room and clearing the mind. Neglected projects bring the spirit down.

Someone said that when you are unattached, you are fee. So, today I release attachment. Attachment to expectations. Attachment to people (and their success). Attachment to tradition. Attachment to resentments. Attachment to suffering. Attachment to image. Attachment to belonging. Attachment tot wealth. Attachment to pride. Attachment to vices. Attachment to time. Attachment to attention. Attachment to loss and suffering. Attachment to youth.

July 6, 2020

Thinking on ownership of personal power, reclaiming a story as your own but also knowing what doesn’t belong to you and where the boundaries lay between when you end and the other begins. Really, nothing belongs to us, not even this body we live in. But what good is this knowledge when such a big part of our life is connection? We do own our attitude and mindset, not one can take that, no matter how hard they do try to derail that. Just like we can’t change peoples mind, but we can certainly try. Again, its a matter of deciding if this use of energy is worthwhile or if we are wrapped up in something that doesn’t serve us.

So the question is, who and what deserves you light?

July 20, 2020

Today is a New Moon in Cancer. These past months in eclipse season have brought me swiftl to here I am now: in pajamas, performing a long awaiting healing. I have worked through many things that have come up along the way by writing, through my cards,, through deep thought. I’ve grown brace and thoughtful and lost weight, both emotional and physical. How I see myself now in the mirror of this reflective moment is an insightful, gentle spirit.. I find myself drawn to yellows and oranges and especially desert red, the color of the womb, that I have just removed from my body five days ago. And whats left is like soil, freshly turned, raw, revealed, ready to settle and begin new growth. So in this way I am starting from the ground up. I am studying astrology and learning to trust the universe. But I am still afraid of making a false move, of failing my family. I still fear the dark, fear sleep and the lack of it. But I’m familiarizing myself with what I need to succeed. Like spices to save a dish: communication, sharing, patience and great love.

July 28, 2007

We are all healers. From the moment we cut ourselves, we heal. Our brilliant body clots the blood, expands the wound with cells, attacks bacteria and produces collagen to create new skin.

It is somewhat terrifying to witness yourself transforming. But transformation is a telltale sign of healing. We shed, we morph, we acquire. And we never stop because wounds and injury and hurt and pain are a constant consequence of life in a body.

We are all healers. We are the sole caretakers of our mind, body and spirit. we have therapists, doctors, and practitioners, medication, mantras, and support groups. All types of healing are simply solutions we can reach for. Assistants with what we are tasked with: to choose the salve or the choose poison and knowing the difference between the two.

Sometimes the poison seems like a solution, sometimes it seemingly saves us. Once the circumstances change, we may still choose poison, despite valid reason. Coping mechanisms continue when they are no longer needed and then they begin to cause more harm than good and become another wound to heal from. We have to push past the shame of having taken things too far, of having reached for he wrong solution. The first use is almost always, forgivenes.

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