Diary of Depression (Journal Gems Part Two)

April & May of this year found me at home, grounded on paper, but perhaps not in spirit. In retrospect, there were many joys and benefits to the privilege of working from home. But it’s important to remember that most of this time: the progress of the virus, the economy, the schooling. Much of this time our kids couldn’t socialize or stay active. And as a result, during this time I experienced a very significant depression, and in true 2020 fashion, it was unlike anything I’ve experienced before.

This is not a necessarily fun read, but it is an honest and perhaps relatable one.

April 2, 2020

One thing that has been a remarkable lesson is the art of not wanting. Anything I have bought recently has been needs. Yes, sometimes we need a new toy or an art project to stimulate the mind but otherwise, I’ve been fairly mindful of what I am buying. The grocery bill has been hundreds and hundreds but we have not gone out to eat, we know how to eat at home and prepare what we have. It feels good to not be spending or randomly shoppin and for now it feels totally possible to get control over the budget, something I have not felt essentially my entire adult life. Perhaps the magic of building wealth might not be adding income to it, but in needing very little. Lets hope that this period of time is a passage into new forms of growth. I lovingingly promise myself to continue to ct back. I lovingly promise myself to ease the final burden of painting a simple life, keeping my closet and lifestyle to a minimum, in the sweetest way possibly. I lovingly promise to continue to cut back. for now it feels totally possibly to control

April 5, 2020

I have not felt like myself for a while, or it could be that I am not who I expect myself to be. I was a long time ago that I signed up to be a wife and a mother I lifetime ago But I also signed u to be a certain kind of mother, surrounded by a certain kind of community, doing certain kinds of things. As we resist change, change occurs and all we are left with is resisting, living in the past.

Emotional attachment further skews perception. As a person capable of extreme detachment, I can’t image it would be heathy or fair to those around me to detach more. But, the attachment I am most guilty of is a particlar attachment to life choices that are not mine to make.

My self-are can be the gift of letting go to what was, letting go of what I expect this to be, releasing what may be and letting the future come on its own terms, in its won time. Surrender, become comfortable with the discomfort of unknowing, unmoving, suspension, liminal space between then and now.

April 17, 2020

I can’t even tell if I’m having a bad day or if I created one just to feel something while numbing myself the rest of the time. I thought today, how would my kids remember me? A clump in the blankets, one who asked them if they wanted to read a book just to use them away. Always pushing away. I can’t focus on the tv shows I just play in the background to portray laziness instead own nothingness. How did I get back here again? To nothingness.

Perhaps I’m brooding because I know that things might not get any better when we are out of this. I’ll be just as pitiful and lonely as I’ve always been. Maybe it is because I had half a maitai today, that must be it. There is no happy drunk in 2020. Only sad, scared, bored drunks.

Its the spending all day in bed that is a big part of this problem. I’d say over all I am not usually a depressed person, but there are facets to this situation that influence me in a very depressive way. Day after day I make my bed only to crawl back in it. Tomorrow, I will make my bed and not get back in it.

May 1, 2020

If nature teaches us anything its persistence. Never ceasing, always evolving, with changing temprarures and colors. The closure of fall is purposeful. The wilting and dropping, the going within. Calling a close to progress and promoting reflection in preparation go winter’s rest. Meanwhile Spring’s purpose is reopening, emerging, blooming, turning outward, remaining open and abundant, being bold and colorful. These loops replay for eternity.

Nature has not even been slowed y its sheer destruction, enacted by humans. Its been pushed and trampled, traded as a commodity, torn down and made ill. It keeps trying, it transforms it certainly does not care about our little pandemic problem or our economy, it is taking care of itself. We could take a page out of her book, prioritize self-preservation through persistence but also, evolution.

May 10, 2020

Today is mother’s day, so I set an intention to reflect on things as it is in this mothering experience in this wild year. I you love and nurture you children, the only that is promised is that you tried your best. Other than that, life makes no guarantees. Your children will not get everything they hope for in the world or even everything they worked their ass off for. And you know there is somehow beauty in that.

When you become a mother, you open yourself to the possibility of heart break. There are a thousand ways motherhood cracks you open and shatters you and several ways it can actually destroy you.

Motherhood is also the most beautiful thing in my life. The love I get, the hugs, the tiny ginger prints pressed into clay for a thoughtful mother’s da gift (none received this year, no school, no art class, no mothers day clay gifts). Seeing their personality emerge as something I would want to be around and share space and time with. How they understand already that their mother is a soft, selfless and sometimes psycho person and one that needs space and love and care.

May 28, 2020

Here in whats Believe is the last “stay at home” week before returning to work, and it’s been a busy one. I can’t really soak it up or anything but we have enjoyed lots of days, on the beach, trying to remain as positive as possible moving forward. I’m so lucky to have some help with the kids. I’m lucky to have kids who adapt. I’m lucky to have a safe home, family next door and up the road.

I have everything I need.

Somehow the journey feels heavier and harder the closer we get to completion. Maybe its questioning if you’ve done it to the best of your ability and how you will fair in these final steps. You win at life when you trust in yourself, or even if you don’t trust yourself you just keep going. I like how Bakara Winter puts it: “Grumble all you want, but you were never going to say no to this journey.”

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