Every morning I wake up at 4am. Do my thing with coffee, staring at my journal and cards until the caffeine kicks in. I slowly work my…… Read more “Gripping the Sides”
I prayed, journaled, added warmth, cooling gels, applied salves, balanced crystals, took drugs, joined support groups, I praised my uterus, I asked it for forgiveness, I went to acupuncture, I ignored it, talked about it, stretched, convinced myself I was crazy, went to physical therapy and resigned myself to a life of discomfort, wondered why and then decided, isn’t pain reason enough?
I thought, if I could go talk to this girl, give her a heads up, what would I tell her? I decided: I wouldn’t tell her shit.
I wrote letters to friends down the street I couldn’t visit, and family members across the ocean. I pictured my letters creating a big arching rainbow across the sea. It felt like a special kind of magic, to create something that would travel both time and space; things that felt otherwise out of reach.
That time the whole world was sent to our rooms.
As little girls we hear fairy tales of true love. As young women we go searching for it. As we age we do more than we ever thought we would to save it. No one teaches us that measurement of marriage is something as deep as it is wide or tall.
The bags are packed. Correction–the bags are more or less packed.
So this is how I found myself, bikini clad, poolside, crying mommy tears into an extra fancy, floral garnished umbrella drink on Mother’s Day.
This morning my son asked me how long it takes to read a whole book. Now, this is a difficult thing to measure unless your timing it, which is impossible what with all the interruptions of reading like having to go to work, feed your family, personal hygiene and HBO Documentaries that need watching.
The half-cursive lettering just flows off of the page, like a quickly moving story through time. This was indeed a basic and beautiful time for me; a period of vital self-discovery while I focused solely on my humble home and young child. But what was also revealed to me is how truly lonely and ill-prepared in life I felt at the time. Financial woes, weight insecurities and constantly feeling upset with my husband and annoyed with my friends and sister. Persistent struggles with insomnia. And always the longing for a second child.